...and still she...

Not Dead

2006-08-04T09:43:00.000-04:00

No, I am not dead - I am, however, blogging in other places.

I have three professional blogs (which means they are the blogs where I work) that I maintain, one personal library blog, one library resources blog, and now a new "jessica" blog. No, of course I can't keep up with them all.

I let this blog slide into oblivion because I just felt that it had become the angst blog. And while angst is definitely part of who I am, I was having a real hard time working my funny in here - and funny is ALSO a big part of who I am. Doing both made me feel disjointed. And, because I am not always so angst ridden, I didn't update much.

Oh, cripe, blah blah blah.

Anyway, after a lot of thought, I have decided to keep this blog for my angst, and other things that I may not feel comfortable writing about in my new blog, which people I actually know read. I'm not sure I want them to know how fucking crazy I am, or how I REALLY feel about certain issues. Like, you know, that I think most people are just plain stupid. And that old people shouldn't drive - especially in front of me.

In the meantime, if you were actually reading this, please feel free to check out jessica and libraryland and cool librarian - and let me know that you've tuned in.

God it's still HOT...

Goof Off

2006-05-13T22:38:00.000-04:00

I spent the work day goofing off, working on a website fix rather than doing something library-related. Quite frankly, I have not felt at all motivated to work lately. Just about everything I have done has gone unnoticed and unappreciated, by patrons and co-workers alike, so I have been hard pressed to get excited about "my next project." We had horizontal rain all day long, which always seems to bring out the crazies, so I did my best to avoid eye contact with the nuts, appear to be busy "working," and get my client's site running properly again.

Along the same lines, I am still trying to decide if I should re-do my personal blog in WordPress and host it on coollibrarian.com, leave it as-is, or kill it altogether. Cool Librarian (the blog) has actually garnered a few comments recently, which is surprising and heartening. Technorati indicates that no one links to any of my blogs, but at least comments indicate that someone at least read that post. Cool Libarian is also a Blogger blog, and I am tempted to move that one as well, just to streamline the blogging process a bit. Something to consider.

On the home front, G and I have been having a rough time. His son is having some problems, G is stressed, That Woman (the children's mother) is utterly useless, and of course I get to hear all about it, offer comfort and (sometimes unsolicited) advice, watch as my time with G gets cut in half, and still have to suffer everyone's mood swings. As much as I love him, sometimes it feels like too much work for very little return. Sigh.

One thing this week did make me smile, though. An OLD flame, from YEARS ago, found me on MySpace and sent a note saying that he thought about me often, and that I am "as beutiful(sic) as ever." Someone thinks I'm "beutiful" - I could cry.

Blogging

2006-04-19T18:55:00.000-04:00

Hmmm, I have, what, 6 blogs that I am "responsible" for, and, uh, I'm not a very good blogger. The idea of blogging, and creating blogs, is so very interesting to me, but I never feel like I have anything important enough to say - and I end up not posting as much as I "should."

I am in charge of three work blogs, and I have three (actually four) personal blogs. The work blogs sort of regulate themselves - when something needs blogging, I blog it. But, if I got just a bit more creative, I could probably make them more relevant. Sometimes it hard - no one at my job seems to feel that the blogs are important, or that anyone reads them - which may be true. The town where I work is not all that "progressive," and I don't think the blogs get many visitors, in spite of my attempts to market them. Other public librarries have very active blogs, but it's just not happening at my library. But, heh, I'lol be damned if I am going to concede defeat - I'll keep blogging if for no other reason but to annoy people.

My personal library blog has also gone cold - and I may put that one to bed. There are a TON of EXCELLENT library blogs out there, and I feel like I have nothing new to add. I would write more about what I am actually experiencing at work, my frustrations with the lack of cooperation I get where YA stuff is concerned, the lack of hours, my inability to make a living there, but, um, would that be wise? I actually enjoy my job for the most part, and don't want to lose it simply because I have a big fucking mouth. Libraryland, my newest venture (which I host on my website and manage with WordPress), holds more promise - simply because it is a "resources" blog, and information resources is what I love and am all about. The Mary Project is still going strong, but it's taking place over on Flickr. I had constant problems uploading pics to Blogger, and there really isn't any sense in repeating the effort. Mary will be deleted soon, so if you have been watching, update your feed to my Flickr page. Lastly, there's this blog. Sigh.

I so want to have an interesting, funny blog about my life, like my favorite personal blog, but, um, my life just isn't that interesting. I am in the holding pattern I have been in for some time - unable to get my shit together enough to actually diet (resulting in constant disgust and guilt), unable to find a full-time job (though at least I am proactive on that front - there just isn't any professional library work here right now), and "stuck" in my relationaship with G, who at varying turns makes me happy and miserable.

I suck.

My kitten, Foxy, brings me unbelievable amounts of joy, though - to the point where G calls it "unnnatural." I LOVE that cat. He is scary-smart, and if he had opposable thumbs, he'd probably be able to cook a gourmet meal. I am teaching him tricks right now, and he has "sit" nailed after only 3 days, and is doing well with "shake hands."

Oh, good God!!! This just in!! I'm a 38-year-old, never-married, childless, LIBRARIAN who loves her cat more than life - I'm fucking doomed!

In the name of all that is Holy...

2006-03-26T17:40:00.000-05:00

When I first saw this, I COULD NOT WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT. The end of cicvilization is at hand. I had a rant all prepared for this, but I think this sums it up nicely.

BTW, I haven't yet heard that there has been a comment from Ms. Spears about all of this...

Loser

2006-03-18T08:11:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, I guess I'm just not any good at updating this thing. Sometimes I wonder if I should bag it, since I'm pretty sure no one is reading it, and I don't think I need or want a record of my misery.

BUT, on a good note, I have spent the better part of a week revamping libraryland! libraryland was my much beloved library resource page - and it bit the dust when I moved my domain to coollibrarian.com. It's now set up in WordPress, which is a fucking pain to get a grip on, but once you do, offers some nice stuff that Blogger doesn't. But, it's six-os-one as far as I'm concerned - Blogger's ease of use is a HUGE plus, not to mention its nice selection od READILY AVAILABLE templates and the profile section (all absent on WP).... But, in the name of continuity, I may move this blog onto my site and switch it to WP. If you're reading this, and you have a preference, do let me know with a comment.

I'm going out for a cache before work, and then I think I will spend my day pointedly NOT do anything constructive, since my co-worker is irritating melately....

I'll get the linkage to the new site goodies up as soon as I tie up a few losse ends.

Birthday, VD, and other things...

2006-02-16T22:16:00.000-05:00

G took me to VT for my birthday and Valentine's Day. We actually had a nice time - too bad his brother was there.

You know, I really tried. I want nothing more than to love his family - because I'm like that, all lovey an' shit. But, oh my God, by the end of the four days, I wanted to submerge T's head in the toilet - and flush. He is just about everything I absolutely adore in a man - self-centered, obnoxious, drunk, stoned, and permanently stuck at 16 - which is way unfortunate at 46. I don't think he got through a conversation without saying at least one of these things:
"Man, I was SO fucked up!"
"Man, that was some GOOD shit!"
"That was SUUUUWEEEEET!"

Dear Jesus, help me.

I know I am hard for men to take because I don't drink - and I have little tolerance for the Church of Beer. But come on now! You're 46! Get a fuckin' grip!

But, I held my tongue, was pleasant and cheerful, made a great dinner and a yummy breakfast, hung out, listened to endless tales of beer, pot, and river rafting (now that's a fab combo, no?) - and was then treated to this:
Me: "I wouldn't know anything about wedding rings (laughing, teasing G).
T: "Well that's your own fault for messing with a married man" (NOT teasing).
Me: Sitting silently, thinking "What the fuck?"
T: (returning from kitchen, lowering his voice so G can't hear) "You don't really think he's going to marry you, do you?" Pause. "Cuz, he's not."
Me: Gets up and goes to bed and cries.
The venom in his voice was unbelievable - I'm not sure why he hates me so much. G was not pleased when I told him.

Anyway, the trip would have been great had we been alone. But it was still nice to get outta Dodge for a bit, see the snow, do some hiking and shopping - ya know, VT stuff.

And now for the resolution update:

Diet: Still eating, still fat - I don't know why I bother to make this resolution.
Exercise: About the same - not great, but not awful.
Smoking: Had a BAD relapse during the job shit, but have jumped back on the wagon. Went two months w/o, then blew it for a month (but only about a pack a week or so, so not horrid).
Writing: Better, but not good.
Stress: Ha, what do you think? It's a wonder I'm still alive.

Nothing Like Being a Nervous Wreck

2006-02-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

Well, my resolutions have gone out the window, in just under a month! I so rock!

Sigh.

The biggest crushing defeat is that the job offer was rescinded - as in "taken back." Uh huh. And yes, it is because I am an unbelievable loser, coupled with the fact that karma, for some reason, is dictating that I be poor for the duration of my life. I have been so fucking upset that I haven't had the wherewithall to even blog about it. So, in a nutshell: I , as you know, had major angst about the physical exam portion of the process. I worked myself into an absolute PANIC about it. It's a phobia - it is not rational - and if I have to explain that SIMPLE FUCKING CONCEPT to one more person, I am going scream.

I did, however, go dutifuly to the HR office armed with my "identity" paperwork to prove my non-alien status and make the dreaded appointment for the physical. I was obviously upset about the whole thing, but I went in good faith to do the deed. I was told it was "no big deal" - that I wouldn't even have to get undressed. I said "That's good, because under no circumstances am I getting undressed to have my blood pressure taken." A few minutes later, the Dr's office was called, an appointment made - and - I was told that I would have to get undressed. I burst into tears. I said I wouldn't do that - that it was unnecessarily invasive, and I was having a hard enough time with this as it was. The secretary was VERY sweet - she went to talk to the HR director, came back, and said "OK, we're gonna find a way around this for you - we'll do what we can to make this comfortable for you. As long as you are willing to take the drug test (and I had NO problem with that, as I don't do drugs - though maybe I should start), we will get this done. Go home, relax, I'll call you tomorrow."

I went home feeling a little better. The next morning, I got the call from the HR director: "I'm sorry to have to make this call, be we have decided to rescind our CONTIDITIONAL offer of employment. We just don't think you will work out." Uh huh. Now pay close attention here, folks - I was never told the job offer was CONDITIONAL - I was told I had the job - a job they wanted me to begin without even giving a full two weeks notice, mind you. Also important - he was very vague "We just don't think you will work out" - which is code for "We think you're nuts." Which, in my opnion, is DISCRIMINATION, since my doctor phobia has NOTHING to do with being a librarian. NOTHING. He was also careful to NOT say something to the effect of "...because you refrused the exam," because I never did. I refused to get naked for a blood pressure check, which, turns out, I am well within my right to do.

I had told all my friends the good news. I HAD GIVEN NOTICE, AND A LETTER OF RESIGNATION, EFFECTIVE JUST 4 DAYS FROM THIS...

OK, yeah, so it has taken me DAYS to write this, it's all still so upsetting. At any rate, just about everyone, upon hearing the sad and embarrassing tale of woe, has said - "Um, are you getting a lawyer?" Now, I have never been the letigious sort, but SOMETHING here just isn't right. So, yeah, I think I may find out what my options are, if any. If nothing else, I'll know that East Providence simply SUCKS, rather than ILLEGALLY SUCKS.

Yay, Me!

2006-01-18T17:02:00.000-05:00

Well, will wonders never cease, I got the job!

So, I am the new Community Services Librarian for the City of East Providence. I don't think my employers have a clue, yet, as to the scope of this position, but at this point I will be doing reference part of the time and community outreach the rest of the time. This suits me just fine, as I enjoy, and have experience, in both arenas.

G was so happy, he burst into tears - I think he's just really excited that he will no longer have to support my ass. And speaking of that, let me just say that my new salary is exactly 2.5 times the most I have ever made in a year.... Now I don't have to go apply for food stamps! Ya think I'm kidding - right now, with my Master's Degree, I qualify for food stamps - isn't America wonderful?

At any rate, I am thrilled that I will be able to pay my bills. I am thrilled that I will be able to buy the ocassional treat without feeling guilty. I am thrilled that, if my car should need service, I will be able to have it fixed. I am thrilled that I will be able to have my teeth fixed.

So, why do I not feel more thrilled in general? I am freaked at the prospect of working full-time - I haven't worked full-time in years. Who the hell wants to work full-time? I am sad about leaving my current job - I love my job, it's just that it doesn't even begin to pay the bills. What if I hate this? What if I suck at it? Oh, and let's not forget these dreaded words, "You have to have a physical." I almost turned the job down right then and there - no fucking joke. My heart about stopped. I haven't been to the doctor's in 20+ years as the thought of it FREAKS ME RIGHT THE FUCK OUT. It's bad. The panic that surges just writing about it calls for Xanax - which, damn it, I don't have (oooooh, but I will be able afford a trip to a shrink for a prescription! Joy!).

Anyway, these are not things I am free to talk about anyplace but here. G does not even pretend to understand my anxiety "disorder," and I think he's really perplexed at my lack of enthusiasm right this minute. Most people would just sigh and say, "Why aren't you excited? Why can't you just be happy?" and roll their eyes and shake their heads and think, "No wonder it's taken her 20 years to get a REAL job." The irony is, NO ONE would be happier than me (I? Cripe!) if I could just be normal.

HAHAHA! Funny. I just got a phone call from Lisa, one of my oldest, and most unlike me, friends. Her life is perfect. Great Husband, Great Kids, Big House, Great Job. She's extremely pragmatic. Thought I'd take a chance and say something about my panic over the physical and how I almost want to decline the job over it and she said exactly what I expected her to: "Oh my GOD! Get OVER it! I will KILL you if you blow this because you are a FREAK!"

At any rate, I'm sure once I get past the physical and get in there and get used to the schedule, I will be fine. And, I will have one less thing to be anxious about - money. Because if I think about it, other than my fat and my unfounded health worries, being BROKE is really the only thing that makes me miserable. So, yay, here's to a nice paycheck!

Twisting in the Wind

2006-01-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

Sigh. I have not yet heard whether I have been hired for the "job of my dreams." I went for a THIRD interview on Tuesday, and was told that they would make a decision by the end of the week - hey, now, it's the end of the week! Apparently there are two of us up for the position, and they are having a hard time making a decision. Why are they having a hard time? I'm awesome, for Pete's sake!

At any rate, I have decided to be zen about the outcome - if I don't get it, then it wasn't the job for me. I'll be bummed about the money (I have already bought a new mattress, sofa, and taken a trip to the dentist in my head), but I will just have to dedicate some REAL time on my side business, and/or find another part-time job (which is a challenge because I already work weekends). I have spent the past two evenings working on redesigning my website and Cool Librarian Blog....

As for the resolutions, well, I am still butt-free. I am, however, far from ass-free, as the dieting portion of my life is not going at all well. I was strict for almost a week, and then said, "fuck it, I'm miserable" as I always do. I have managed to get a few walks in this week (not counting caching), so I am going to try establishing an exercise habit BEFORE I obsess about the starving thing (and who am I kidding? I'm not going to starve.) Though I have been eating plenty, I have been at least conscious of making slightly better choices.

God, I wish I wasn't fat. G's sister gave me a picture of he and I from her daughter's wedding, and we look like Jack Sprat and his wife. He's so tiny, and I'm a fucking huge whale. It's no wonder people are AMAZED that I hike and kayak - I look like I should be confined to a Lark scooter for fuck's sake. Which is why I get so discouraged - I can walk my 2.5 miles at a 16 minute/mile pace, I can hike miles in the woods (and do, often, sometimes several times a week), but I am still way overweight. I don't mind seriously upping the exercise and joining the gym at the college (whish is brand new, has a pool and sauna, and is CHEAP because I am alum), but I just can't bring myself to give up GOOD food. I was next to this guy in line at Dunki's this morning, and was getting coffee with skim milk and Splenda. I asked him if he liked Splenda (because I think it sucks like all the other fake sweeteners, and was way disappointed by that), and he said "no." He went on to say that he had lost 15 pounds so far, and no longer has cream and sugar - in that sanctimonious way that ex-fatties and ex-smokers have when they have "become a better person." Gag. So, my question is "what's the point?" If your coffee is no longer good, why drink it at all? I'd rather give up the coffee than drink coffee with SKIM MILK, which turns it all grey and watery, and then poison it with chemicals. And, in my case, I have MAYBE 5 cups of coffee a week - is the cream and sugar (2 tsps) really going to have THAT much of an impact?

Well, I guess I know why I'm fat.

Good News, Bad News

2006-01-03T23:26:00.000-05:00

Good News:

I am going to my SECOND interview on Thursday for the job of my dreams. I am trying not to get too excited, because even though my rank is currently 1 (hey, I'm #1!), we know how these things sometimes fall apart. I probably shouldn't even be blogging about it - except that I need anyone who reads this to send me positive brainwaves. Getting this job would mean that I wouldn't have to decide which bill to pay this month - I could pay them all! Wow, that's never happened - ever.

I have refrained from smoking, even though I have wanted a cig several times over the past few days (things have not been great with G). Yay, me.

Bad News:

Had several pieces of chocolate today at work. Damn work people bringing chocolate in for the break room...

I was almost shot by a Redneck. This is the log from a geocache I attempted to do yesterday:

DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS CACHE ON FOOT, AND ESPECIALLY NOT DURING HUNTING SEASON!!!!!!!!!!
I found a spot about 500ft from the cache, and went to the nearby house to ask if there was a nearby trail and to see if I could cut through his yard. Only a kid was home, and he didn't know anything, so I parked up the road a bit and entered the woods on what appeared to be open property. Soon, however, it was apparent that at the very least, I was skirting, if not on, private property. I tried to move quickly and quietly, but found that I was closer to houses than I wanted to be, and I was not getting any closer to the cache - just a swamp. I decided to go back to my car (200 ft away), and maybe try a different approach. As I am about 50 ft from the car, I hear people talking - and calling out - and it becomes clear that they are looking for ME! I got back to the car, jumped in, just as two men gave chase after me in the woods. As I pulled away and up the road, they are chasing the car. I drove down towards rt 3 - because I am ALL SET with this area! As I pull onto rt 3, the redneck chasing me in the woods is now BLOCKING THE ROAD with his car!!!! I tried to go around, but couldn't - and he made it clear that he would have no problem ramming my car. Since I could only see this eventually involving the cops (which, um, bubba cops, no thanks), so I pulled over. The guy is screaming at me that I was trespassing, and that he called the cops (great). I apologized, tried to explain what happened, but he's still yelling, and getting more menacing by the moment. Let me take this opportunity to say that he was dressed head to toe in camo.... He's yelling that I was trying to break into his house (I was not even close to his house), and I am starting to panic. Finally I said, "Look, let me show you what I was doing." I got out of the car and showed him the cache page (of course he didn't get it, but it seemed to calm him down). He said, "If you weren't breaking the law, why did you run?" and I said "Do you have any Black people down here?" and he said "Hell no! There ain't no black people around here!" and I said "There's your answer." He said agin, "Why did you run? I thought you were a BURGLER." And I said, "And I though you were a Redneck." This shut him up, and then he laughed. He said he saw my point. He then said that walking around there at all is a BAD idea, as there is a lot of property to cross, and I was lucky I wasn't shot. He said the guy next to him would have shot me, and that the woods are full of "drunk yahoos shooting squirrels" right now. He asked for my name, and immediately asked if I was Portuguese. I said I was French, and he said "Huh, of all things." He repeated his warning about people walking in there and said "Tell them all you were chased by a redneck." I apologized again, and was FINALLY on my way.

So, was I tresspassing? Perhaps, but doubtful on his land. Does that matter? Not when you're being chased by a man in full camo. Both BV and WR felt that at some point in their searches they were close to, if not on, private property. So, at the very least, this cache should be clearly titled a kayak access ONLY cache (though I did know full well what I might encounter down here in Bubba Land, someone else may miss this log) - and even that may be pushing it, because people seem to feel that they own the land right to the water - and it really doesn't matter if they don't if they have guns and come looking for you.

Sigh. I have said time and time again that I wouldn't cache alone down here because there are too many trucks with Union Jack flags in the back - and even though I am a woman and only 5 feet tall, I would still be perceived as a threat (or a target) - guess I was right.

It must go without saying - Peace.

Oh, I could write so much more about how this whole incident makes me feel, but I have a headache as it is. And right now I need to concentrate on being "on" for my interview so that I can stop being poor and woefully underemployed.

Resolutions - Fuck Me

2006-01-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! Yay, Happy New Year! I get to make RESOLUTIONS! Yay! (Are you picking up on the sarcasm here?)

Anyway, it's the start of another freakin' year, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't make a whole slew of resolutions that I can't possibly keep. In fact, I don't think I have ever kept a resolution - not ever. Sure, I may accomplish things from time-to-time, but rarely did those things start out as resolutions - they are often spur-of-the-moment things like "I think I'll go to grad school and become a librarian." Really. On February 11, the librarian I was lusting after (note to self: no more sex with male librarians) said, "You should be a librarian. Look into it." February 12 I called the school, said I wanted to be a librarian, got so-so response, said I was "ethnic," was transferred immediately to Director, was told I would need to take the MAT tomorrow, and if I had any brainwaves whatsoever, I would be considered. February 13 (my birthday), took MAT. May 5 received results - 92%. May 6, got call from Director saying "We love you." July 16, received big-ass scholarship from ALA. September 4, started classes. May, 19 months later, have the degree.

Yeah, it's usually like that. But, I digress... So, here they are, back again for 2006, The Resolutions:

Lose Weight (aka diet and exercise, aka someone please shoot me)
I'm fat. I've been fat my entire adult life. My natural shape is round. My genes on both sides are fat, and, um, yes that matters. No amount of starving or walking is going to change that. But, I am no longer 20, and I should be improving my health, if nothing else.

Quit Smoking
Sigh. I love smoking. I don't smoke much, or even often, for that matter, but it's gotta stop. I did mention that I am fat, right, and not 20? It's gotta stop. Oddly, I think this will be a snap compared to giving up food with any flavor.

Fuckin' Relax!
Yoga, meditation, Xanax, something! Granted, this is the time of year that my "nerves" are at their worst, and I may not be able to change my basically anxious nature (I had my first panic attack at 3 - I think I'm pretty much doomed), I should at least try to relax. Yeah, I'm sure my growling tummy and desire to have a fuckin' cigarette will go a long way toward helping me relax.

Write
Well, at least blog more frequently. I'm not going to say that I will post daily, because I won't, but once a month is pretty lame.

Create
Bookmarks, postcards, jewelry, anything.

Revamp the website, and recreate Library Land
My website needs an overhaul. I am currently working on doing something simple so that I can scrap the sucky WYSIWYG programming. I would also like to get library land, my old library site, up and running again. Cripe, I pay for hosting, I might as well use it!

Learn Something, Anything, Useful for my Profession
I have been wanting to learn some sort of code, or software, or something, that would enhance my librarian-ness. I feel woefully inadequate when reading the blogs of my colleagues - they all seem to be so technically savvy (in a very specific library-like way, unlike my general computer literacy). Hmmmm, professional development, anyone?

Learn PhotoShop, or GIMP, or Paint Shop Pro
Any of them. Just a little bit. Just so I can do something cool.

OK, I guess that's it, for now. Anyone placing bets on how long before I eat an entire carton of Ben & Jerry's?

Happy Holidays

2005-12-29T17:42:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is, the end of another year.

I managed to make it through Thanksgiving and Christmas with only minor injuries, and now find myself taking stock of my life, as I do every fuckin' year at this time, though nothing ever changes.

Will 2006 be the year that I get a grip????? Probably not. But because nothing could make failed New Year's Resolutions any more disappointing or humiliating than perhaps posting them online, stay tuned for the list...

Sucking it up

2005-11-03T15:06:00.000-05:00

So, I decided to publish the previous post after days of sitting on it. The post wasn't even finished - I stopped writing when I all of a sudden felt sad and exhausted - and stupid. I may not be stupid in the "traditional" sense of the word, but God I'm a dumb-ass when it comes to making the right decisions.

I sat on the post because it's embarrassing - it's humiliating to know - to say out loud - that your life sucks because you are too stupid, or afraid, or stubborn to simply do what everyone else in the fucking world does - move, get a shitty full-time job, and resign yourself to spending the bulk of your waking hours WORKING at a job that you don't really love. SUCK IT UP!

But, this blog is supposed to be about my day-to-day life. And my idiocy is definitely part of my day-to-day life.

Sigh.... (hmmmmm, I think I've used this title before)

2005-10-28T12:56:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling overwhelmed again. Drat.

Money, as usual, is the ROOT of most of what is wrong in my life. Which, of course, I have no one to blame but myself for my lack of funds. I could just move to Boston and get a full-time library job - probably fairly easily. There are few full-time jobs here (I saw two listed in RI on my last troll through the various and sundry job listings - one was icky and one wanted an experienced archivist, which I am not). But, I cannot adequately express how much I do not want to live near, or in, Boston.

I have no good reason - it would not take me that far from Mom, and would actually move me closer to G. My best friend is in CT as it is, and I have no other close friends at this point, so it's not like I'd be leaving people behind... I realize that people move for work ALL THE TIME, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Boston, for me, is a lovely place to visit, and some of the surrounding towns are nice - but not at all where I want to live.

Just before my move to this apartment, I had a line on a great job in Salem, MA, and I was ready to make that move - because Salem is very much like Bristol. It's on the water.

And, there it is, folks - because I cannot BEAR the idea of living away from the ocean, I am subjecting myself to a life of abject poverty - still.

I know I have no right to be, but I am so frustrated with the way my life has turned out. I did everything that I thought I was supposed to do. Even though I hated high school, and could have easily quit for sanity's sake, I knew quitting and getting knocked up was just stupid. So I stayed in school, and went to college. When I couldn't afford the second year's tutition, I took a semester off, worked my ass off, and returned the following semester. I graduated with honors - but without a professional clue. Since by that time I had been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and fully expected to get married and start a family - soon - I didn't kill myself looking for the career of my life - BIG MISTAKE.

I worked various and sundry jobs, none of them professional, none of them at all intellectually satisfying, none of them well-paying. I did a year in Americorps and discovered that non-profit was where I wanted to be - BIG MISTAKE.

I spent 4 years as the Executive Director of a local literacy program - which I loved, but it was low-paying with no benefits - naturally. After a disastrous fling with a librarian, I decided that having sex with one was a bad idea, but BEING one might be fun. In the space of 20 months I had applied to school, gotten a large and somewhat prestigious scholarship, and completed my degree with a 3.98 GPA.

So, what the fuck?

I love my current job. Love it. But it's part-time. No benefits. I can't pay all of my bills. Gas prices are killing me. I need thousands of dollars of dental work, or I will be known as the "Toothless Librarian." My car, right now, has two inches of water in it from a leak no one can find (and therefore fix), so it's only a matter of time before the floor rots out. Christmas is coming, and as usual, I can't afford many gifts (last year my nephew said "that's it?" after opening only two presents from me).

So Happy Together

2005-10-18T12:58:00.000-04:00

It was a treat to come home and find this sight. I didn't know how Pablo would adjust to a kitten, as he's never had one of his own before, but he seems to love Foxy - and it only took 3 days!

Introducing... Foxy Brown!

2005-10-15T23:53:00.000-04:00

I am pleased to show off the newest meber of the family, Mr. Foxy Brown.

Now, I realize this may look bad, as my precious Imelda has not been gone long, but Foxy is not a "run out and replace Imelda" kitty. He was born 8 weeks ago to a feral cat my mom has been taking care of, andhas been waiting to come live here. I was hoping that he would make the family a family of three cats, but when Imelda took a turn for the worse shortly after his birth, I decided that he would not join us here until she had either recovered or passed on. Foolish as it sounds, I did not want her to think that I was already replacing her - as there will never be a replacement for her in my heart.

But, I do have to say, this little fella is damn cute! He has giant "foxy" ears and a ridiculously long tail. G, Mr. "I hate cats and pets," has been carrying him around for two days, and this morning I caught him feeding Foxy OUT OF HIS HAND. Foxy sleeps between us under the covers, purring like a motor boat.

Pablo spent two days just looking at him with contempt, but this morning, in a completely uncharacteristic show of affection (not to mention submissiveness), sprawled out on his back, wagged his tail, and let Foxy pounce on his tummy before giving him a playful swat in the head.

So, yeah, I have spent 10 bucks on new cat toys - and yep, you guessed it, Foxy is chasing a piece of paper around the kitchen as I write this. I hope it's the water bill.

Here's Pablo chasing Foxy around a paper bag about 2 minutes ago. I'm so happy that they are getting along - Pablo and Imelda had a quiet affection for each other, but she was too old to play with Pablo much.

(Good Lord my apartment looks so ghetto in these pics.)

Imelda 1989 - 2005

2005-10-12T12:13:00.000-04:00

Imelda Langlois died peacefully in the vet's office this morning after a short battle with cancer - she was 16 and a half years old.

Imelda was born in Bristol, RI and was discovered by a teacher at RWC after being hit by a car. She was just 4 weeks old and had sustained some major injuries, but the teacher rushed her to the vet where they agreed to try and save her. She managed to overcome broken bones, pneumonia, and assorted other infections, and was adopted by Jessica at 6 weeks old.

The teacher advised Jessica to give her a "survivor's name" - and, that evening, Jessica watched the news as Imelda Marcos, surrounded by her shoes and her wealth, tearfully cried out, "I am a survivor!" Of course, that HAD to be the name for Jessica's new pet.

Over the years, Imelda was a faithful and loving companion. She sustained her owner through crappy jobs, crappy relationships, stressful moves; she saw numerous other pets come and go; she sat on the couch for TV, sat next to the desk for homework, and curled up on the bed for sleep.

Imelda is survived by her mother Jessica, her brother Pablo, her grandma Claudia, and her stepfather G.

Yeah, OK

2005-10-10T21:48:00.000-04:00

Holy crap! Has it really been almost a MONTH since my last post? Jeeeeez, I'm not very good at this blogging thing, I guess.

Imelda, I'm afraid, will not be with me much longer. While she is still alert, she can no longer eat very effectively - she's probably down to 5 pounds (she used to weigh 17 - she was a big cat). She is having a hard time swallowing, but does not appear to be in pain. I am SO torn - I don't want her to suffer, but I don't know if I can have her put down when she doesn't seem to be in pain... But the not eating thing is awful, and I don't want her to starve. I will call the vet tomorrow and see what they say - I am preparing myself for the inevitable. She's so sweet, even now - I sat on the couch holding her, crying, and she just kept butting my face with her nose. Crap.

My best friend was married on Friday - I'm the LAST ONE standing. The wedding was low-key, nice. I am glad that she has finally found someone - I know how much she wants kids - but, of course, all of this makes me wonder why no one loves me. EVERY last one of my close friends is now married. Some have been married more than once. Some were engaged numerous times before getting it right. But I have never been proposed to - not once. G has no interest in marrying me. John had no interest in marrying me. Val - no. Andrew - no. Alan - no. Jeff - no. David - well, David was (is) a sociopath (really, I was in love with someone just steps away from being a serial killer), so I guess it's a good thing he didn't love me either.

Yes, I realize that I have made some BAD choices in the guy department - I guess a sociopath is a BAD choice. But, fuck, what the hell!? I have tried just about every combo there is. I have dated smart, stupid, funny, dull, old, young, poor, rich, sociopathic, idiopathic, empathic, hot, ugly, Jewish, gentile, new-age - and everything in between. After all of this, my only requirements now are smart and sober - and that is STILL asking too much. I know, I know, making smart a "must have" is a BIG problem in these parts, but stupid doesn't cut it unless it is paired with hot and REALLY horny, and even THAT doesn't last forever....

So, I sat next to a man I love who will NEVER get over all his baggage and watched the last friend get married. And, I just felt awful. I'm a bad friend - I should have been brimming with happiness for her, and I was simply brimming with unhappiness for me. I mean, I know I'm not pretty, and I know I'm fat, but, have you looked around!? Christ! Have you been to a MALL lately!? Sigh. I am that DEADLY combination of fat and really smart - two things men are not interested in. Too bad I am also horny as hell and fuckin' GREAT in bed, which seems to be another quality that renders me "not marriage material."

I give up.

Life

2005-09-17T18:45:00.000-04:00

Not quite sure why, but the motivation to post just hasn't been around the past few days - seems like I am always doing something else, or just wanting to do nothing.

So, let's see...

I had a bit of a scare with my Number One Kitty, Imelda. She stopped eating, stopping moving, and started falling over when she tried to walk. Now, the old baby is nearly 17, so I figured we had reached the end. She was yowling in pain when she tried to eat - I took her to the vet fully expecting to have her put to sleep (as I would never allow her to suffer). She was an unbelievable trooper through the exam, and the vet said that she has a tumor that is pressing on nerves in her mouth, eye, and inner ear (hence the falling over). He said that he wanted to try some antibiotics first, and I agreed - but didn't hold out a lot of hope. Well, much to my surprise, they seem to be helping. She eating and doesn't seem to be having any pain. She's still very quiet, and still wobbles, but I think she has a bit of time left. I'm just glad that she doesn't appear to be on death's door. I spent quite a bit of time crying, when no one was looking.

Pablo continues to behave himself - though he definitely knew something was wrong with Imelda. The two days that were the worst, he spent a lot of time under the couch, which is odd for him.

On the professional front, the arrival of the Katrina evacuees was anti-climactic. The Town took care of most everything, and we were actually told that not only was the library's help not needed, it was not wanted. Basically, they wanted to do EVERYTHING themselves, so that the glory would go solely in their direction. Unfuckingbelievable. Politics at its best - and we wonder why things fail at the top levels - a fuckin' podunk town can't even put the political shit aside. At any rate, a few people have been in to use the internet, and that's about it. The people have been quiet, polite, and varied in terms of ethnicity. My donations were not needed, and I essentially didn't feel like I was much help - on a personal level, at least. Oh, well, I am glad that the people seem to be adjusting to life here.

Also in LibraryLand, I have been taking on more responsibility - which would be fine as I love it - but is garnering me the undying affection of those I work with - NOT. My boss' trust in my abilities flies directly in the face of those he does not think as highly of - and one person in particular who has been at the library forever. More politics! But, I'm getting ballsy in my old age - I requested that he not leave me in a position of "authority" until I am ACTUALLY in a position of authority - heh.

Ask Me!

2005-09-06T21:46:00.000-04:00

The Navy housing complex right behind my library will be housing 125 families from LA as early as tomorrow! I am very happy that the state of RI is willing and able to pitch in.

I am not scheduled to work, but since we are literally one of the only places within walking distance to the base, and they are actually in our back yard, I have decided to go in and volunteer to answer questions. I'm bringing my laptop and will set up in a room off of the reference area - just in case it gets busy. People need to register their kids for school, they will need jobs, furniture, clothes - everything. Since I have worked in the non-profit social service sector for years, I am in a good position to at least point people in the right direction of services.

My mom works at a local foo-foo-la-la hotel, and has bags of towels ready to go to the base - that way people can at least take a shower and have something clean and fluffly to dry off with. I'll be a sight, in the library parking lot armed with towels!

We are putting together info packets for the families as well - info: that's what we do!
If I can actually help someone who has lived through this, I'll feel like I've done something.

Katrina

2005-09-02T22:18:00.000-04:00

As I sit in my little apartment with my two cats, none of us hungry or thisty, I watch the news and wonder what the hell I have been bitching about. My sometimes inattentive boyfriend? A spider bite? A bad vacation? My financially inadequate but thoroughly enjoyable job?

That is the joy of the internet, and blogging in particular - we get a forum to be as self indulgent as we want. But tonight I can't help but feel like the self-indulgency of America has reached a dangerous high - and a new low.

What the hell has taken the government so long in getting help to these POOR people? And I do mean POOR, in every sense of the word. The people suffering on my TV screen are, for the most part, economically poor and overwhelmingly Black. Am I simply cynical to think that if this had happened in Washington, DC, or the financial/theatre/generally rich people district of New York that food and water would have been forthcoming prontito? It is a bitter thing to have these thoughts, but I don't know what else to think.

The media, while doing a good job in covering the destruction, and even in questioning the dreadfully slow response time of the government, did the hardest hit areas a disservice by focusing so much attention on the looting that has taken place. Do people really not understand that this looting is inconsequential to the big picture? Do people really think the looting is solely about mass "lawlessness" being perpetrated by Blacks? In my opinion, the looting of non-essential (and mostly useless) items is not about lawlessness, it's about poverty. It's about people who have felt victimized, held-down, and just plain old fucking POOR finding the doors to their local Wal-Mart open and without the customary "greeter." It's about having that big TV, even though it doesn't work, even though you don't have a house to put it in anymore, for the sake of having it, even if it's only for a few minutes. And in the end, the looting is INCONSEQUENTIAL. Who the hell cares? Wal-Mart? About some TVs and sneakers? There's more where that came from. Unfortunately, lives lost to dehydration, stroke, diabetic shock cannot be so easily replaced.

As I ate my breakfast in my favorite diner this morning, I listened to the mostly Republican, deeply patriotic "men-folk" talk about the disgrace of this tragedy. "Why don't they get them water, for Christ's sake!?" I heard over and over again. "We have all the money in the world - what is taking so long?" "Is the President back from his VACATION yet?" one woman sneered - and these are the Republicans. I almost cried.

I wish I could feel more useful, but apart from a few paltry dollars to the Red Cross, I'm not sure what I can do. I was happy to hear that trucks from the RI Food Bank are on their way to MS in the morning - I will seek out a food or clothing drive, and see what I can do to help. Maybe we can collect food at the library - something.

So tonight, I am grateful for my pissing cat, my moody boyfriend, my part-time job, and my ability to EVACUATE if need be. I will pray for those hungry and thirsty little twin babies shown over and over again on the news - even though I do not know who, or what, I am praying to.

And tonight I will hope that "we" can get those people out of there - that we can see more than the poor, looting Black people and see poor, lost, human beings.

Amen, and pass the bottled water.

Pablo Returns!

2005-09-01T20:15:00.000-04:00

Pablo having a snack with Imelda this evening. Imelda looks like a serious Halloween kitty in this picture.

As I had reported a week ago, I had tossed Pablo outside when I came home to discover that he had peed all over the house, including ON THE STOVE. I have put that in all caps, again, because I STILL can't believe he did that. At any rate, I figured I'd cool off and he'd be at the door in the morning looking for breakfast - he wasn't.

G, who said early in our relationship, "I'm not a pet person, and definitely not a cat person," kept asking "Has Pablo come home yet?"

After being gone 8 days, I figured he'd found a better place to hang out. I was concerned, and a little sad, but I also felt like I couldn't have him pissing all over the apartment - especially ON THE STOVE. I drove by my old house a few times, but did not see him. I called him from the driveway, but he did not come. I felt like a BAD mom, but didn't know what else to do.

Tonight, Mom and I found him on the roof of my old house. He heard my car pull up, and he started crying like crazy. She coaxed him off the roof (he would come and go through my bedroom window on the second floor) while I ran to her house to get the cat carrier. We wrangled him into the box, and now he's home (for the moment, at least). But, if the peeing continues (and it probably will, as he REALLY wants to be outside most of the time), I will have to find a farm for him to go live on.

G will be very happy. Yeah, I guess I'm happy, too.

The vacation rears its ugly head - again.

2005-08-27T21:14:00.000-04:00

So, I am assuming I was bitten by some sort of nice spider on one of our treks in VT. August is spider season in the woods, and walking through webs comes with the geocaching territory. Last night I noticed a very sore spot at the base of my head - like I'd been hit. It was worse today and I had Mom check out my scalp - apparently I have a raw, nasty-looking patch on my head, and the sore spot is most likely a gland. GREAT!!!

Of course my doctor phobia overrides my pain, so it's hot compresses, peroxide, and stolen Penicillin. I've poured so much peroxide on my head that I should be blonde by morning - that'll be a good look.

I should have just fuckin' stayed home.

Sucks

2005-08-25T21:47:00.000-04:00

Today was my first day back at "high speed," and I still haven't accomplished everything I wanted to online. I am so tired of thinking about my generally crappy trip and my rapidly disintergrating relationship, that I haven't had the strength to recount it here.

For now, suffice it to say that the trip started with a severely drunk and puking boyfriend (and as a non-drinker and SERIOUS puke-a-phobe, this was about the worst way to start my vacation) was sprinkled with screaming fights, a panic attack, stomach pains, and three days with his "Dude, I was SO DRUNK" arrested-development (um, you're 46, get a grip) brother. We did have a nice dinner on Tuesday at my favorite VT restaurant, a cool chair lift ride to the top of Mt. Snow, and a nice 9 hour cache-ride home. But, all in all, this trip pretty much sounded the death knell for this relationship unless G is willing (and, so far, he's not) to go into counseling - couples or otherwise.

And that's the fuckin' kicker - I know that I am so pissed with him most of the time that I have morphed into a unsatisfiable bitch - and I am willing to - hell, want to - work that out. And I think couples counseling is the best way to do it at this point, as nothing else has worked. But he just can't stop being petulant long enough to look at HIS role in this - and he certainly doesn't want a therapist to point his role out to him.

So, looks like the ball is in my court - at nearly 50, I doubt he has the desire, or perhaps even ability, to examine his shit. So, if I can't deal with that, then I should call it a day.

I'm so sad. It took me 10 years to find him.

The Mary Project

2005-08-25T21:36:00.000-04:00

In an effort to do something besides bitch, I have started a new photoblog. I haven't yet decided if I will also post these shots to my Flickr account - probably.

I'm not at all religious, but I am fascinated by the Mary shrines in the yards in my community. I am also interested in the symbolism of the shrines to their owners, and hope to be able to incorporate some of that into this project.

If nothing else, it might keep me from losing my shit completely.

Thank God it's Over

2005-08-24T22:37:00.000-04:00

Well, THAT was a waste of a vacation day.
On top of my SHITTY trip to the Green Mountain State, I came home to find that Pablo had peed in several inappropriate places, including the TOP OF THE STOVE. Pablo is now outside.

BUT, I did come home to find that my DSL line was FINALLY hooked up - so I am now "high speed(ish)" - looks like tomorrow will be spent catching up on all of my online chores. See you then with all the gory details.

Slacker

2005-08-23T21:28:00.000-04:00

I'm such a slacker.

This dial-up thing is making me CRAZY.

I'm in VT right now on my supposed vacation - for the most part, it has sucked. Dinner was good. Stay tuned for the full story...

Tagged! I am so "it."

2005-08-14T11:06:00.000-04:00

I cannot even express how thrilled I am that I have been tagged! Really! A big "thank you" shout out to Erica at Librarian Avengers for tagging me. I know, some people hate this stuff, but, hey, what else have I got to do? Fun!

On to the merriment...

1. How Many Books Do I Own?
Well, I am embarrassed to admit that I own very few books - only about 125 or so. This is a paltry number, ESPECIALLY for a librarian and voracious reader. So, why is that? Well, I'm poor, and my "disposable income" goes for things like rent, food, and right now, GAS. And, I find that in the case of fiction, unless I LOVE it, I move it along after I am done with it. My collection is comprised predominantly of non-fiction titles, reference books, and my cookbook collection. A few favorite fiction titles, in hardcover, some signed works. For the most part, right now at least, my reading material comes from the library - who knew. Oh, and at any given time there are probably 50 or so titles floating around the give away/trade/recycle/eventually go to BookCrossing pile.

2. Last Book I Bought:
The new edition of the Feminine Mystique. Last book I took out of the library (yesterday) was The Boundaries of her Body. Hmmmm, I see a pattern...

3. Last Book I Read:
Shut the Door - a YA title with not such YA stuff going on in it. See my post in my actual library blog to see why I am reading YA fiction about 20 years too late.

4. Five Books that Mean A Lot to Me:
Nickel and Dimed - A truly real look at what it means to be "working poor" in America.

The Complete Signet Classic Shakespeare - I cannot give up this book with all of its memories of my favorite class and favorite teacher, and the insane writing in the margins.

Tie: Illumination Night and Here on Earth. The first introduced me to one of my favorite fiction writers, Alice Hoffman, and the latter is perhaps my favorite of her titles.

The Silent Partner by Judith Greber. This is my "comfort book." I read it when I am sick or anxious. I don't know why, there is nothing special about the story or the writing, but reading it makes me feel better and I know it by heart. It's no longer in print, so my copy is pretty beat.

Sweet Miniatures . My absolute favorite and most used cookbook. I am on my second copy. This is the book that lead to my being crowned "Queen of Pastry" in my social circle.

5. Tag Five More:
Randem
Um, I'm new to this blogging scene, so I'll have to think about the others.

Brats in the Library - A Rant

2005-08-11T13:27:00.000-04:00

In the past two days, the reference section had been overrun with unruly little boys who appear to have little in the way of listening or social skills. On days like this, I no longer lament the fact that I missed having kid ("Oh, shit, I forgot to have children!")

Not that I blame the children, mind you. For the most part, the parents are out-to-lunch and completely unresponsive to the havoc the kids are wreaking. Yesterday, a boy (about 7, so old enough to know better) tore around and talked to (and interrupted/annoyed) every adult in the room. He yelled, he cried, he screamed - all for no "apparent" reason (other than, perhaps, an Autistic Spectrum Disorder or a raging case of ADHD) - and his father did nothing except say, "Sorry. Yes he's mine - UNFORTUNATELY." That's great. Let's add psychological damage on top of the fact that this child is not being disciplined or taught boundaries (not that I could see, anyway).

Today, two brothers, about 4 and 8, raced around the room yelling. IN THE LIBRARY. My mother would have tossed my ass in the car PRONTO! The father (hmmm, I see a pattern here - but, really, it happens with moms as well) said nothing - not even when the older boy wrapped his hands around his younger brother's throat and squeezed until the kid choked. The older kid looked absolutely maniacal when he was doing this - and yet the father said nothing.

This kind of behavior is becoming more and more common, and I think we are seeing Permissive Parenting at its best, folks. I don't know when people are going to realize that not telling Precious "no," and not setting limits is not doing Precious any favors. Precious will grow up to be a spoiled, annoying little brat who no one likes - thereby compounding Precious' problems and rotten behavior.

But, of course, I can't say this to the stupid parents of these little monsters....

I would like to add, that yes, I think various and sundry disorders do exist and may affect a child's ability to behave. This is unfortunate, and hard on everyone involved - parents, children, teachers, siblings, strangers. But I think we as a society have decided it's much easier to slap an ADHD label on a rambunctious kid rather than see if that's REALLY the issue. I can pretty much guarantee that if a child is raised without limits/discipline/consequences/whatever you want to call it, the subsequent behavior will be that of a child with "ADHD." It's hard to carry out discipline - threatening to take the child home if they are misbehaving - and then DOING IT - means an interruption in the parent's day/plans. But threatening and NOT DOING IT only reinforces in the child that he/she can get away with anything. This does not make the child disordered, it makes the child SMART.

No, I don't have children, so yes, I can be accused of "not knowing what I am talking about." But I know how I was raised. And I have VERY specific (and INFREQUENT) memories of times that I misbehaved in public and paid the price by being taken home, missing the "event," no TV, no dessert, no favorite toy, etc. I can assure you that my brother and I didn't like it, and we were, especially by todays standards, very well behaved (in public, at least) as a result.

OK, I feel better now.

I'm Consumed

2005-08-09T20:09:00.000-04:00

You must check out All Consuming and its parent site 43 Things, which leads to 43 Places - the fun never stops! This shit is truly addictive.

Speaking of addictions, it is making me crazy that I am still not online at home. I have spent WAY too much time reading library blogs while at work, though it is work related, I guess. The modem has yet to arrive - it should have been here days ago - and service is supposed to be turned on tomorrow. I did manage to hit a random WiFi connection for a bit, but, as lovely and cheap as that is, it's fairly unreliable, not to mention illegal. Not that I am some goody-goody - but ya know I would be the asshole who gets bagged.

Racist Morsels

2005-08-09T09:49:00.000-04:00

I was without internet yesterday, as the libraries were closed due to V-J Day - we are the only state that still celebrates this. It was nice of "them" to change the name to "Victory Day," but as I live in "The Most Patriotic Town in America", I still hear plenty of the vets running around talking about how we beat "them God damn Japs." Sigh.

While cruising some info on a local university, I somehow ended up here. Just makes me want to, well, I don't know, actually. Cry? Scream? Insist that some people get sterilized immediately? Wow. It's not that I didn't know about the "movement," but actually encountering this site was like a kick in the head for some reason. And it is so broad - the hate infiltrates everything. Sigh.

Blocked for my protection

2005-08-05T15:43:00.000-04:00

So, while browsing BBQIguana this afternoon, I clicked on the mini golf link only to find that I was blocked. I found this amusing for a couple of reasons: First, after unblocking the site, I could find nothing "sex" related here. Was I not looking hard enough? Am I so deprived that I have forgotten what "sex" looks like? Second, I was oddly NOT blocked from entering the Magical World of Penis Unicorns. Hmmmm, this could be one of the reasons many (most?) librarians oppose filtering....

Also kind of funny is the fact that I had just finished reading this little tirade on the very web filtering product the is employed by my library. This guy certainly does have a lot to say - some of it assinine, some of it unnecessarily "mean," but all pretty amusing - even if you do not agree with what he is saying (funny thing here is that even though he uses a "different format" he is, essentially, still blogging!).

Poke me with a fork...

2005-08-04T09:33:00.000-04:00

...I think I'm done!

The move is as done as it is going to be. One last sweep through the old house later today, and then the door gets locked and I walk away. I'm going to miss my house - it's really too bad that it has been left to fall apart.

The unpacking has slowed to a crawl, as I picked up three extra days at the library this week. As much as I want to put my shit away, I need the money more. G has pretty much said that he wants no part of unpacking, so I continue to root around in boxes saying things like, "Have you seen my flowered thong?" Oh, wait, he said that...

The second most important room, the bathroom, is pretty much set-up and I love it. I went with a retro-mod-beach theme and it actually works. A new rack showcases my bath product addiction and the fact that I am a slut for LUSH. My Target shower curtain pulls it all together. I'm so queer.

The third most important room, the bedroom, actually saw some action as well - 'bout freakin' time. I wonder why I have, for the millionth time, wound up with someone with roughly half my sex drive. I thought men were supposed to be the horny ones, for Cripe's sake! Maybe this can help me understand what it is the G REALLY wants... And, uh, ya, I am all about number 10, but that doesn't seem to work either.

Good Lord

2005-07-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

Day 4287 of...the...move...
Don't...know...if...I...can...go...on.
Please...send...help.

And the moving continues...

2005-07-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

This has to be the longest move in recorded history.

Gee, I can remember moving from place to place in a single day. This has been a week of 8 -12 hour days so far, and I'm not done yet. Granted, I did repaint the entire apartment, and the process of moving from a 10 room house to a four room apartment is a bit daunting. After the giant yard sale (second one down) this coming Sunday, it'll be officially "over."

The furniture is going over this afternoon, and tonight will mark the first night in my new apartment. Even though it's small, I am quickly warming up to it. I have the kitchen all set up, and I am psyched about having a space I can actually cook in - nothing was worse than the completely dysfunctional kitchen in the house. The location rocks - G and I have been having breakfast on the pier every morning. G is also loving the location - which surprises me, as I am the ocean seal and he is the woodland creature.

G also keeps referring to the apartment as "ours." Considering that I have been waiting for some sort of commitment from him, this should thrill me - but it doesn't. I don't really take this continual reference as a sign of his undying love as much as a sign that he is asserting some control because he is helping out with the rent... and I think, after living with a roommate for the past three years, I am just really craving some "it's all about me" time. I guess you're right, guys, you just can't make us happy no matter what you do!

But, for the first time in months, I am not completely losing my shit. So, it's all good. And hopefully after the move is complete, I can devote some real time to my business, my blogs, a photo project I want to do, and job hunting.

Back to packing!

Tired

2005-07-24T23:27:00.000-04:00

Oh my God, I am so tired.

I have spent the last few days doing nothing but working and painting the new pad. Spent the whole day at the apartment and managed to paint all the rooms, take down the UGLY light fixtures in the bathroom and put up new ones, replace the toilet handle, fix the kitchen light fixture... I'm so freakin' handy it's unbelievable. Tommorrow is a day off from work, so I will paint the woodwork and move the kitchen stuff at the very least. Hopefully G will be around in the morning to help, as today it was all about me.

I discovered a washer hook-up in the hall closet. This is FANTASTIC news, as I was dreading the laundromat thing, but I don't think I can possibly get my washer and dryer to the third floor. It's almost worth buying a new set just have them delivered.

I also discovered the seemingly free cable. According to the girl across the hall, no one pays for cable. I doubt that this will last, but even a few months without an $80 cable bill is good news.

All very mundane. After this week, I hope to get back to "normal," and have something slightly interesting to say.

Painting

2005-07-20T22:13:00.000-04:00

"Painting what?" you say? Painting my new apartment! Yes, that's right, I have escaped homelessness with days to spare. Well, that's one thing I can stop freaking out about. I didn't end up with the moldy cottage or the gorgeous apartment down the street - I got a DEAL on a semi-dump on the pier (you can actually see the building in the top picture) downtown. The building is basically a flop house filled with waitresses and bartenders - the landlord also owns two pubs across the street. I will be the only person over 25 in the building.... But, it's a groovy third floor space, two tiny bedrooms (which is key as I really need a room for the 4 computers we own - dorks!), a big livingroom, and cool kitchen. With a fresh coat of paint, it may actually be cute.

Can I just say, though, that the whole apartment hunting process sucks? The landlords are usually crazy, the rents are insane, no one ever calls you back, you can't have a pet, and GOD FORBID you smoke - the horror!! Jeeeezus. The smoking wasn't too much of an issue for me, as I am a sporadic to non-smoker, but I actually had people suggest that I PUT MY CAT TO SLEEP so that I could find a place. One person told me that I didn't have my "priorities" in order because bringing Imelda was non-negotiable. Let's see, kill the pet I have had for 16 years so that I can have the pleasure of paying $900 a month for your crappy 1 bedroom apartment? Bite me.

Anyway, I'm relieved, to say the least. Now I can concentrate on the horror show of a wedding shower I am supposed to be throwing, finding a full-time library job, coercing G into therapy, and living a "healthier" (ie - no food that even remotely interests me) lifestyle - yay.

Unbelievable!

2005-07-16T13:27:00.000-04:00

What the fuck is wrong with people!?

Look, a USEFUL post!

2005-07-16T12:20:00.000-04:00

This is a copy of my latest post in my "professional" blog. Yes, inspite of the insanity I display in here, I do hold down a job and try to have a normal life....

Anyway, I think this is a cool app.

A friend of mine just sent me a link via TinyURL, and I immediately thought about how useful it would be when using online databases. As online database searches often result in unwieldy dynamic URLs, this neat little utility could make e-mailing your search results a lot easier. Check out the site for other usage ideas, and even the code to add the utility to your web page.

Anything else? I probably shouldn't tempt fate....

2005-07-14T21:27:00.000-04:00

I've taken the past few day off, trying to regain my sanity - didn't work.

The apartment hunt has not produced an apartment yet - with two weeks to go until I am sleeping on a floor someplace. I had decided on the tiny cottage, and called the owner to see what the status is, and he has yet to get back to me. I don't think he has rented it, but he seems to be on the fence about selling it (which won't happen for what he is asking). So, ya know, he is at this point passing up rent, as I told him that I have cash in hand and am ready to move.

I looked at a GORGEOUS place down the street from me last night. It's more than I can afford, but only a hundred bucks more a month for 3 times the space as the cottage. The landlord seemed "normal," but wants to get back to me on Saturday. I even showered just for the viewing - hope smelling good helped.

In the meantime, my bad tooth, which they were SUPPOSED to have pulled two weeks ago, has abscessed. Fun fun. I have been in constant pain for days. Repeated calls to the oral surgeon have gone unheeded - guess they figure it's my own fault, so I can suffer (more on my hellish dental nightmare another time).

To cap off the day, during our geocaching outing, G informed me that he WILL NOT seek therapy for his myriad of emotional issues (from ex-wife on down) and that no matter what he does, it's not good enough for me. Which, I guess is true - you see, his logic is that he is unyielding to my wishes/wants/needs because then I will want more - and it'll never end. Of course he is correct, but basically that's because he won't even try to get STARTED. Sigh. Now mind you, he has pretty much lived here with me for a year, carries on as though we are in an actual relationship, I do the cooking and the laundry, I love him, take care of him emotionally, at least TRY to be understanding of all of his family commitments, but he won't make any sort of actual commitment to me.... OH MY GOD, I'M AN IDIOT!!

After ten years of being essentially alone, I thought I had FINALLY found someone smart, funny, and sober. And he is all of these things - laced with selfish, stubborn, and insensitive. I mean, I'm nearly homeless with a swollen, throbbing face - did he have to pick TODAY to tell me that I suck?

Well, tomorrow I will try again to get an emergency slot with the oral surgeon. Hopefully, sometime soon, I will have something GOOD to report - a full-time job, a place to live, a pulled tooth, a boyfriend who is not comittment-phobic (OK, that's a stretch) - any of these things would be nice right about now.

AAAAAAAAG!

2005-07-08T16:24:00.000-04:00

WTF!?

Two days ago, I called about an apartment. After a lengthy discussion with a slightly doddering man, he suggested that I take a drive by to see the place, and if I was still interested, I should give him a call to set up a "showing" time. I called him yesterday, and 10 am was chosen for this morning's viewing. After dreaming all night that I was arrested for bring poor and homeless, I was anxious to see this place, even though it was far from my dream location. As instructed, I called the guy at 9:30 this morning to confirm, and he promptly moved the time back to 10:30 - which was cutting it close in terms of my job, but doable.

Went to visit Mom at work, ate some breakfast at the hotel, and set off. Pulled up in front and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited - and guess what - HE NEVER SHOWS!!! No phone call, no nothing - just doesn't show up. I had to jet - ya know, that pesky work thing. I had just enough time to change, apply a second layer of Bath and Body Works Night Blooming Jasmine, check my teeth for Cocoa Puff residue, and take off.

So, what it this? A sign from "above" that the apartment wasn't for me anyway? A test of my will to live, and not slit a vein? What?

The search continues

2005-07-07T18:36:00.000-04:00

The search for both a full-time job and a place to live drag on.

On the apartment front, I am leaning towards taking the moldy, tiny cottage. Of course, it would mean putting three-quarters of what I own in storage of some sort, and it would mean that G would be up my ass (and not in a good way), but I just am not seeing other options - and I am running out of time. G liked the other apt we looked at - I have no idea why, as I thought it was just downright gross. But the cottage seems like it might be OK for a "temporary" fix. Oh, I don't know. Fuck, fuck, fuck - I wish I could find a job so that I could afford to live in a decent place - silly me.

Because not much has been showing up in the papers, I have been just driving around looking for signs and the like. I found a place in town where BOTH floors were empty. I decided to be ballsy and ring the neighbors doorbell, where the very nice woman informed me that "two men from New York" own the place, and rent is $1500/month for each apt... They must be smoking crack.

As for professional jobs, well, there is, um, nothing. Nada. Zip, zero, zilch. The newest posting is for a job in NH requiring 5 years experience for $32,000 a year. Again with the crack. The Salem job I applied for has been filled - so, that application process, since they required all of my college transcripts and a packet of reference letters, actually COST me $7 - sheesh.

Have we learned anything, Class?

2005-07-07T13:39:00.000-04:00

Well, here we go again.

Today's attack on London, in my mind, "proves" that Bush's war in Iraq has not accomplished anything. Of course, this comes as no surprise to any thinking person, as Iraq, though run by a madman, was not an imminent terrorist threat to us in the first place. The war in Iraq was devised simply to draw attention away from the fact that we FAILED to "get" the people ACTUALLY responsible for 9/11, and to settle some old scores. The result has been hundreds of deaths for American and Iraqi solidiers and civilians alike. What a fucking waste.

Bottom line, if terrorists want to blow people up, they will, at this point, find a way to do it. The war has not, and will not, solve that problem; the Patriot Act, has not, and will not, solve that problem; blanket, and insane, condemnation of the Muslim faith, has not, and will not, solve that problem. Wake up, people! Bush is an ineffectual idiot.

Unforunately, I'm not convinced anything can be done to lessen the chance of being blown to kingdom come while having breakfast - America is HATED in some parts of the world, and perhaps we need to take a good long look at ourselves - HA! that'll never happen.

I feel no safer from terrorist attacks than I did 4 years ago. When Bush is considered one of the "Great 8," (oh wait, that's "Group of 8") I feel safe about very little.

Sigh....

2005-07-06T22:28:00.000-04:00

I can't seem to stop sighing lately. I must sound like I am having an asthma attack, when it's actually a panic attack.

The hunt for an apartment continues - I have only three weeks before I have to be out of the place that I love. Well, I did love it, before it turned into a dump due to slum-lord neglect - but I digress.

I have looked at a number of places, ranging from scary to scuzzy. One place I liked was too expensive, and another was taken before I could get to it. The rents here are CRAZY - very little under $900-$1000 a month - which in some places, like NYC, is unheard of, but in a small town that used to have rentals for $350 as little as 4 years ago, the rents have gotten out-of-hand. Natives are complaining that they can no longerr afford to live in the town they grew up in - the rich people have "discovered" us, and are effectively running the average working person out of town. Sucks.

So, I am on the verge of a breakdown. My job cannot support the kind of rents people are getting, and I can't find a full-time job. I have never liked the idea of relocating, but I even applied for a good gig 100 miles from here - seems I didn't even make the cut for an interview. Jesus. Great references, a kickin' cover letter, a straight-A graduate trancript - and I can't even get an interview for what is essentially an entry-level position. Fuck.

I am now making LESS than before I got my Masters.... Who the hell told me being a librarian was a GREAT career move? Oh, yeah, it was Ed - that figures.

Greetings!

2005-07-05T19:23:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had one of those lives? One of those lives that just seems to be harder than absolutely necessary?

Yes, this blog will be filled with whining and moaning, head scratching, fist pounding, and assorted fits. It may ocassionally contain an interesting nugget of actual information - but in spite of the fact that I am a librarian, and information is my business, this will not be a blog you read to "stay informed." Rather, if do find yourself reading it, you may be looking for: a laugh, something to get angry about, something to help pass the mind-numbing boredom of work, or something to help you feel better about your own life (or, maybe not).

At any rate, this will be my first attempt at blogging, and will be my most personal stab at it. Hopefully this blog will help me process some of my shit, allow me to vent without killing anyone, and provide the errant reader or two with a laugh - even if it is at my expense. If this goes well, I may create a blog that is actually about something rather than all about me - but, folks, this one is all about me.