Not Dead

No, I am not dead - I am, however, blogging in other places.

I have three professional blogs (which means they are the blogs where I work) that I maintain, one personal library blog, one library resources blog, and now a new "jessica" blog. No, of course I can't keep up with them all.

I let this blog slide into oblivion because I just felt that it had become the angst blog. And while angst is definitely part of who I am, I was having a real hard time working my funny in here - and funny is ALSO a big part of who I am. Doing both made me feel disjointed. And, because I am not always so angst ridden, I didn't update much.

Oh, cripe, blah blah blah.

Anyway, after a lot of thought, I have decided to keep this blog for my angst, and other things that I may not feel comfortable writing about in my new blog, which people I actually know read. I'm not sure I want them to know how fucking crazy I am, or how I REALLY feel about certain issues. Like, you know, that I think most people are just plain stupid. And that old people shouldn't drive - especially in front of me.

In the meantime, if you were actually reading this, please feel free to check out jessica and libraryland and cool librarian - and let me know that you've tuned in.

God it's still HOT...

Goof Off

I spent the work day goofing off, working on a website fix rather than doing something library-related. Quite frankly, I have not felt at all motivated to work lately. Just about everything I have done has gone unnoticed and unappreciated, by patrons and co-workers alike, so I have been hard pressed to get excited about "my next project." We had horizontal rain all day long, which always seems to bring out the crazies, so I did my best to avoid eye contact with the nuts, appear to be busy "working," and get my client's site running properly again.

Along the same lines, I am still trying to decide if I should re-do my personal blog in WordPress and host it on coollibrarian.com, leave it as-is, or kill it altogether. Cool Librarian (the blog) has actually garnered a few comments recently, which is surprising and heartening. Technorati indicates that no one links to any of my blogs, but at least comments indicate that someone at least read that post. Cool Libarian is also a Blogger blog, and I am tempted to move that one as well, just to streamline the blogging process a bit. Something to consider.

On the home front, G and I have been having a rough time. His son is having some problems, G is stressed, That Woman (the children's mother) is utterly useless, and of course I get to hear all about it, offer comfort and (sometimes unsolicited) advice, watch as my time with G gets cut in half, and still have to suffer everyone's mood swings. As much as I love him, sometimes it feels like too much work for very little return. Sigh.

One thing this week did make me smile, though. An OLD flame, from YEARS ago, found me on MySpace and sent a note saying that he thought about me often, and that I am "as beutiful(sic) as ever." Someone thinks I'm "beutiful" - I could cry.

Blogging

Hmmm, I have, what, 6 blogs that I am "responsible" for, and, uh, I'm not a very good blogger. The idea of blogging, and creating blogs, is so very interesting to me, but I never feel like I have anything important enough to say - and I end up not posting as much as I "should."

I am in charge of three work blogs, and I have three (actually four) personal blogs. The work blogs sort of regulate themselves - when something needs blogging, I blog it. But, if I got just a bit more creative, I could probably make them more relevant. Sometimes it hard - no one at my job seems to feel that the blogs are important, or that anyone reads them - which may be true. The town where I work is not all that "progressive," and I don't think the blogs get many visitors, in spite of my attempts to market them. Other public librarries have very active blogs, but it's just not happening at my library. But, heh, I'lol be damned if I am going to concede defeat - I'll keep blogging if for no other reason but to annoy people.

My personal library blog has also gone cold - and I may put that one to bed. There are a TON of EXCELLENT library blogs out there, and I feel like I have nothing new to add. I would write more about what I am actually experiencing at work, my frustrations with the lack of cooperation I get where YA stuff is concerned, the lack of hours, my inability to make a living there, but, um, would that be wise? I actually enjoy my job for the most part, and don't want to lose it simply because I have a big fucking mouth. Libraryland, my newest venture (which I host on my website and manage with WordPress), holds more promise - simply because it is a "resources" blog, and information resources is what I love and am all about. The Mary Project is still going strong, but it's taking place over on Flickr. I had constant problems uploading pics to Blogger, and there really isn't any sense in repeating the effort. Mary will be deleted soon, so if you have been watching, update your feed to my Flickr page. Lastly, there's this blog. Sigh.

I so want to have an interesting, funny blog about my life, like my favorite personal blog, but, um, my life just isn't that interesting. I am in the holding pattern I have been in for some time - unable to get my shit together enough to actually diet (resulting in constant disgust and guilt), unable to find a full-time job (though at least I am proactive on that front - there just isn't any professional library work here right now), and "stuck" in my relationaship with G, who at varying turns makes me happy and miserable.

I suck.

My kitten, Foxy, brings me unbelievable amounts of joy, though - to the point where G calls it "unnnatural." I LOVE that cat. He is scary-smart, and if he had opposable thumbs, he'd probably be able to cook a gourmet meal. I am teaching him tricks right now, and he has "sit" nailed after only 3 days, and is doing well with "shake hands."

Oh, good God!!! This just in!! I'm a 38-year-old, never-married, childless, LIBRARIAN who loves her cat more than life - I'm fucking doomed!

In the name of all that is Holy...

When I first saw this, I COULD NOT WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT. The end of cicvilization is at hand. I had a rant all prepared for this, but I think this sums it up nicely.

BTW, I haven't yet heard that there has been a comment from Ms. Spears about all of this...

Loser

Hmmm, I guess I'm just not any good at updating this thing. Sometimes I wonder if I should bag it, since I'm pretty sure no one is reading it, and I don't think I need or want a record of my misery.

BUT, on a good note, I have spent the better part of a week revamping libraryland! libraryland was my much beloved library resource page - and it bit the dust when I moved my domain to coollibrarian.com. It's now set up in WordPress, which is a fucking pain to get a grip on, but once you do, offers some nice stuff that Blogger doesn't. But, it's six-os-one as far as I'm concerned - Blogger's ease of use is a HUGE plus, not to mention its nice selection od READILY AVAILABLE templates and the profile section (all absent on WP).... But, in the name of continuity, I may move this blog onto my site and switch it to WP. If you're reading this, and you have a preference, do let me know with a comment.

I'm going out for a cache before work, and then I think I will spend my day pointedly NOT do anything constructive, since my co-worker is irritating melately....

I'll get the linkage to the new site goodies up as soon as I tie up a few losse ends.

Birthday, VD, and other things...

G took me to VT for my birthday and Valentine's Day. We actually had a nice time - too bad his brother was there.

You know, I really tried. I want nothing more than to love his family - because I'm like that, all lovey an' shit. But, oh my God, by the end of the four days, I wanted to submerge T's head in the toilet - and flush. He is just about everything I absolutely adore in a man - self-centered, obnoxious, drunk, stoned, and permanently stuck at 16 - which is way unfortunate at 46. I don't think he got through a conversation without saying at least one of these things:
"Man, I was SO fucked up!"
"Man, that was some GOOD shit!"
"That was SUUUUWEEEEET!"

Dear Jesus, help me.

I know I am hard for men to take because I don't drink - and I have little tolerance for the Church of Beer. But come on now! You're 46! Get a fuckin' grip!

But, I held my tongue, was pleasant and cheerful, made a great dinner and a yummy breakfast, hung out, listened to endless tales of beer, pot, and river rafting (now that's a fab combo, no?) - and was then treated to this:
Me: "I wouldn't know anything about wedding rings (laughing, teasing G).
T: "Well that's your own fault for messing with a married man" (NOT teasing).
Me: Sitting silently, thinking "What the fuck?"
T: (returning from kitchen, lowering his voice so G can't hear) "You don't really think he's going to marry you, do you?" Pause. "Cuz, he's not."
Me: Gets up and goes to bed and cries.
The venom in his voice was unbelievable - I'm not sure why he hates me so much. G was not pleased when I told him.

Anyway, the trip would have been great had we been alone. But it was still nice to get outta Dodge for a bit, see the snow, do some hiking and shopping - ya know, VT stuff.

And now for the resolution update:

Diet: Still eating, still fat - I don't know why I bother to make this resolution.
Exercise: About the same - not great, but not awful.
Smoking: Had a BAD relapse during the job shit, but have jumped back on the wagon. Went two months w/o, then blew it for a month (but only about a pack a week or so, so not horrid).
Writing: Better, but not good.
Stress: Ha, what do you think? It's a wonder I'm still alive.

Nothing Like Being a Nervous Wreck

Well, my resolutions have gone out the window, in just under a month! I so rock!

Sigh.

The biggest crushing defeat is that the job offer was rescinded - as in "taken back." Uh huh. And yes, it is because I am an unbelievable loser, coupled with the fact that karma, for some reason, is dictating that I be poor for the duration of my life. I have been so fucking upset that I haven't had the wherewithall to even blog about it. So, in a nutshell: I , as you know, had major angst about the physical exam portion of the process. I worked myself into an absolute PANIC about it. It's a phobia - it is not rational - and if I have to explain that SIMPLE FUCKING CONCEPT to one more person, I am going scream.

I did, however, go dutifuly to the HR office armed with my "identity" paperwork to prove my non-alien status and make the dreaded appointment for the physical. I was obviously upset about the whole thing, but I went in good faith to do the deed. I was told it was "no big deal" - that I wouldn't even have to get undressed. I said "That's good, because under no circumstances am I getting undressed to have my blood pressure taken." A few minutes later, the Dr's office was called, an appointment made - and - I was told that I would have to get undressed. I burst into tears. I said I wouldn't do that - that it was unnecessarily invasive, and I was having a hard enough time with this as it was. The secretary was VERY sweet - she went to talk to the HR director, came back, and said "OK, we're gonna find a way around this for you - we'll do what we can to make this comfortable for you. As long as you are willing to take the drug test (and I had NO problem with that, as I don't do drugs - though maybe I should start), we will get this done. Go home, relax, I'll call you tomorrow."

I went home feeling a little better. The next morning, I got the call from the HR director: "I'm sorry to have to make this call, be we have decided to rescind our CONTIDITIONAL offer of employment. We just don't think you will work out." Uh huh. Now pay close attention here, folks - I was never told the job offer was CONDITIONAL - I was told I had the job - a job they wanted me to begin without even giving a full two weeks notice, mind you. Also important - he was very vague "We just don't think you will work out" - which is code for "We think you're nuts." Which, in my opnion, is DISCRIMINATION, since my doctor phobia has NOTHING to do with being a librarian. NOTHING. He was also careful to NOT say something to the effect of "...because you refrused the exam," because I never did. I refused to get naked for a blood pressure check, which, turns out, I am well within my right to do.

I had told all my friends the good news. I HAD GIVEN NOTICE, AND A LETTER OF RESIGNATION, EFFECTIVE JUST 4 DAYS FROM THIS...

OK, yeah, so it has taken me DAYS to write this, it's all still so upsetting. At any rate, just about everyone, upon hearing the sad and embarrassing tale of woe, has said - "Um, are you getting a lawyer?" Now, I have never been the letigious sort, but SOMETHING here just isn't right. So, yeah, I think I may find out what my options are, if any. If nothing else, I'll know that East Providence simply SUCKS, rather than ILLEGALLY SUCKS.